


May the Best Woman Win

by Starjargon



Series: Untitled Series that will get a really cool name once I think of it [3]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: AU, Because Everyone Should Always Travel Together, Could be crack?, Fight for your Man- literally, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Ridiculous, To the Victor Belongs the Spoils, Wait- they're literally fighting over a man, You Know You wanted to See it, definitely crack then
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-13
Updated: 2014-05-13
Packaged: 2018-01-24 13:39:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1607114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starjargon/pseuds/Starjargon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Martha and Rose both care deeply for the same man.  So of course, the only logical thing to do is fight for him.  With jousting poles.  AU, obviously.</p>
            </blockquote>





	May the Best Woman Win

**Author's Note:**

> I needed a good method of fighting, so I chose pugil sticks, also apparently known as gladiator jousting poles (from a show called American Gladiator?)- basically a double- sided hammer where the heads are made of cushions, used for close combat and for the game used in this story. Disclaimer: Author knows little to nothing of sports of fighting, and does not condone the use of violence to solve problems or win people, nor of using physical characteristics as a naming process. Meant for humour, not meant to offend

Everyone was still stuck in the same TARDIS, and it since it looked like this situation wasn't about to change anytime soon, there was something that needed to be decided without a doubt once and for all. And since Jack was Jack, he came up with the idea. A fight to the fall with pugil sticks. Actually, first he had suggested- well, pugil sticks were agreed upon by both women.

The platform was raised, high above the large pool in the TARDIS. Both women were staring hard at each other, the adrenaline already flowing as they prepared to climb up.

Jack stood behind Rose, massaging her shoulders and murmuring encouragements in her ear.

"Just don't let up, go for the legs- knock her off balance, and make sure _you_ keep a firm stance."

Meanwhile, on the other side, Donna was pumping up Martha, shouting different techniques as they ran through her mind.

"Keep goin' for the head. She'll have to keep trying to block you. Then just keep at it. Go for the torso, the legs, the arms, anywhere you can get a swing in, just keep hitting her. She'll give up eventually."

Then, as though either woman would ever forget, Donna and Jack both gave them the same last piece of advice.

"Remember- there's a reason you're doing this. So do your best."

Then Rose and Martha both climbed up to the platform, where Harriet Jones was waiting to referee the match.

Rose picked up her blue pugil stick, Martha her green. She stood poised and patient, watching Rose bounce on the balls of her feet, anxious and ready.

"Okay," announced Harriet loudly, "let's have a fair fight. No hitting kidneys, no hitting when the other person's down, no kicking. The rules are simple. The first woman to knock the other off the platform _and_ into the water at least twice, wins. No rematch. No appeals. Deal?"

"Deal," agreed both girls at the same time, staring at one another in challenge.

Just then, the two oldest Doctors came in, eying the scene with wary curiosity.

When everyone had realized their situation would probably remain the same for a while, they'd found their own names for each of the Doctors. Certain ones they used amongst themselves, and others they used when actually addressing the men. So it was that Skinny (the Hair), and Raggedy Man (the Chin), came upon a restless crowd in raised seating, all buzzing and already beginning to shout cheers and jeers at the two "contenders" in front of them.

"What's going on?" Lynda with a Y asked, looking at the two women as they prepared for the skirmish.

"Rose and Martha have decided to settle their bloke battle the only way that makes sense. Knocking each other silly," replied Amy, already on edge as she vied for a good view.

"What?!" asked Pretty Boy (another name for the Hair.)

"And what will that prove?" asked Mr. Song (a title he wasn't entirely thrilled about, saying he should be called Doctor Song, despite the confusion of then having two Doctor Songs on board.)

"And what do they win?" his younger self asked incredulously.

Amy looked at him pointedly, as though he were daft.

"Oh," he responded in dejected realization. "OH. Wait a minute. People _can't be_ prizes! No. I'll have no part in this." He crossed his arms over his chest, resolution firmly on his face.

"You don't really have a choice," replied Rory, moving past Sarah Jane to sit by his wife. "They've already agreed this is how they wanted to handle this."

"Now, see here- I won't have those two fighting- _literally! Fighting!_ Over someone. What happened to letting him choose for himself?!" Mr. Song asked pleadingly, looking over to Pretty Boy empathetically, his requests drowned out by the rising noise of the crowd.

All of a sudden, everyone began shouting, just as Harriet rang the bell for the first round of Tyler vs. Jones.

"Hit her!"

"That's it, go for the gut!"

"Duck!"

The two Doctors tried in vain to stop the match, each holding out their hands in a placating manner, hoping to talk some sense into the mad supporters of this fight.

Suddenly, the Bowtie yelped, seeing someone he didn't expect cheering raucously.

"River! Shouldn't you be discouraging this?!"

"Ten quid on Rose!" she yelled, holding up the bills as she tried to get a better vantage point.

"River!"

"What is it, Sweetie?"

"You should be helping me stop this!" cried her husband in distress.

"Oh, like you didn't see this coming, eventually. You can't say you aren't the least bit curious as to how this will actually end. Besides, dear, people came to see a fight. Now sit down, you're blocking my view!"

"But this is wrong! What kind of example does this set, when all of you seem perfectly fine to watch-"

"So, that's ten on Rose, for you, River. Rory, you put twenty on Martha?" Mr. Spock (the Ears) came by, making a small notation on a piece of paper.

The Hair and the Chin turned to him, mouths agape, completely incredulous.

"You're _encouraging this?!_ " demanded Spaceboy.

He lifted his head, giving them both a cheeky, very unapologetic smile.

"Look, the way I see it, there was always going to be an argument over this, right?" They opened their mouths to respond, the Bowtie lifting his hand to make his point. "Right," he cut them both off. "This way, it's civil, mostly, there are rules, which is always a plus, and agreements. Not to mention," he plucked out the bill Sarah Jane was currently handing him, "It means _I_ don't have to get involved in their domestics. Now, why don't you two just zip it, stop trying to ruin everyone's fun, and let's see how this all works out."

"But this farce affects certain people on this TARDIS. Permanently," argued the Hair, looking toward pleadingly toward Mr. Song, who'd already given up and taken up a position next to his wife, asking her the rules and how each girl was faring. He looked up to Pretty Boy in sympathy, shrugging as he scooted to the side, making room for him between screaming audience members.

Skinny huffed and hung his head, defeated. Then he sat between Lynda and Raggedy Man, sizing up both contenders. The Ears, or simply Doc as Jack called him, smiled at their submission, asking them how much they'd like to bet and on whom.

"Martha's more warrior- like. She's got that UNIT training, too."

"Yeah, but Rose is stubborn. She'd hold on just to prove she could."

"Very true. Although, Martha doesn't look like she's gonna let up anytime soon."

"Uh-oh. Rose just got that look in her eye."

In the end, they each put down a little money on both girls, claiming that if they had to be a part of this barbaric scenario, they refused to choose favourites. Even if they then both turned and mentally communicated with Mr. Spock, silently choosing their actual favourites whilst still maintaining their righteous indignation.

"And Martha goes for the shoulders, knocking Rose back. She's teetering, she's teetering. Oh, she caught her balance! Martha swings at her legs- and... Rose, down one!" commentated Canton, sitting between the loud coaches, Donna shouting praise and Jack urging Rose to climb back up quickly.

Harriet pulled Rose to her feet when she came back onto the platform, exhausted.

"Ready for round two?" she asked, checking her to make sure she wasn't injured before continuing. Rose nodded, face set in determination. Harriet stepped back and the girls engaged once more.

"And Rose is back with us: she goes for the head, a left, a right, a left again, she's determined to win this by sheer perseverance alone. And she goes for the side, ooh, Martha blocks, and now she's making a comeback, right right left, right right left. Ooh, she's got Rose nearly to the edge again, and- Rose is fighting her back, back..."

The crowd roared, some chanting for their contender, others booing their opponent. It was more intense than the 54th millennial electronic Quidditch match the Doctor had once attended with Ace.

Finally, Rose managed to catch Martha off-guard with a feint, doubling back and landing a blow square on her chest, sending her careening off with a loud splash!

"And we move on to our final round," said Canton as Martha made her way back up the ladder. "Things are getting serious, as now we face the last round- winner takes all."

This comment somehow made the crowd even wilder, just as Harriet declared a short rest period for the women.

"Remember, you've got this, just don't let up and don't stop fighting until you're absolutely sure you've won your cause. He was yours first, that should be enough motivation- everyone knows how this deserves to play out. Just get inside her head," encouraged Jack, rubbing Rose's shoulders frantically and towelling off her still- dripping hair in the hopes of keeping her distraction- free.

"You're doing great out there, a really smashing job of keeping her on her toes. I think you nearly had her that last round. You've just got to focus, and don't let her get the slip on you. Remember, she left him behind, broken- hearted and alone. You were there for him when he needed to relearn how to live. You _deserve_ to win this. I know you _can_ win this, you're brilliant! Just don't let her get inside your head," cheered Donna, giving Martha water and a giddy clap on the back, letting her catch her breath a bit before they resumed the struggle.

Finally, both girls stood up, picking up their jousting poles and staring one another down.

It all came to this. The final round.

"Scared?" questioned Rose, the bravado in her voice not merely a show.

"Not even a little," enunciated Martha, confidence radiating from every feature.

"Good luck, girls," said Harriet, nodding to each as she backed away, allowing the contest to recommence.

Amy, River, the Ears and the Chin were all standing and shouting in excitement. Sarah Jane was clutching the Hair's arm tightly, his hand over hers as they leaned forward in their seats in anticipation. Lynda and Rory were both tense, their hands each clasped tightly in front of them as they held their breath, as though sound would affect their ability to see the show.

Suddenly, the battle began.

Both women were struggling now to gain any sort of advantage. Martha jabbed, Rose blocked then countered. Rose feinted left, Martha followed her every movement, not thrown by anymore tricks. The seconds passed, tense as cushion pounded against cushion, neither girl giving the other any edge whatsoever.

They grunted and yelled and lunged, still dripping, and doing everything they could to avoid slipping in the resulting small puddles everywhere around them.

Then Rose remembered Jack's advice, and decided to declare her intentions.

"You not going to win this, you know. You can't."

Clash.

"Well, I'm certainly not going to let you win, that's for sure."

Lunge.

"All I've got to do is get you into that water, and everything can go back to the way it was. The way it should be."

Block.

"Ha! The way it should be is you, far away from him, back in that other dimension."

Jab.

"We've always been together, and I won't let you change that."

Roll to the right.

"No, not anymore. I'll win this, just to makes sure you never get the chance to hurt him again."

Sweep.

"I care more for him than you ever will! He and I have been together a lot longer than you two have."

High jump, parry.

"Then you should know by now that the way you treated him was never good enough. He's told me the stories- though never in spite- he's too good for that! How jealous you get when others are around. How possessive you can get. How you think he _belongs_ to you!"

Sidestep. Jab.

"He does belong to me!"

Block.

"Don't you mean _with_ you?"

Strike.

"'swhat I said!"

Clash. Shove. Swing.

"No it wasn't."

Duck.

"Tell me this, then. If I'm so horrible with him, 'ow comes he always came whenever I needed him, no matter 'ow far away I was?"

"If you really have to ask that, then it's obvious you don't know him as well as you'd like to think."

Sidestep. Grunt.

"Oh, I know him well enough. Enough to know he deserves the best."

"Of course he does. Which is why I _refuse_ to let _you_ win! Not this time, Blondie."

The crowd warred between trying to listen to the conversation, heads turning in unison to each speaker, and being caught up in the now desperate actions of the women. Bowtie was holding back Skinny, giving him a resigned look that told him this needed to happen, regardless of whether or not he agreed. Rory looked at the man for whom they both fought, giving him an encouraging smile, before returning his eyes back to the match. Amy was now subconsciously punching Doc's arm, caught up in the excitement and the moment, and missing his glare completely. Jack held back Donna with a look of pride, a finger to his lips to signal her to let the girls hash out this argument. River looked to Sarah Jane, each sharing a sympathetic smile, before they both turned back to look at the platform. Canton was still commentating, though a lot less enthusiastically as he, Harriet, and Lynda tried to listen to what was being said.

"Do you really believe you're good enough for him?!" asked Rose, swinging her jousting pole around her head like a club.

"I'm better for him than you were," replied Martha, running backward before lunging and striking at Rose's unprotected torso.

"And what makes you so qualified to be a judge of that?" yelled Rose, grunting as she fell back a few steps.

"You were gone, you left him and I was there. I will always be there. I will never ever leave him," replied Martha earnestly, confidently as she swung at Rose again.

"You can't know that. Sometimes there are things you can't control. What 'appens to him then?"

"Then I fight until I find him, just as hard as I'm willing to fight you to keep him."

"He's the best guy I've ever met. What makes you think I'm would give him up, just like that?" asked Rose, lunging quickly, nearly throwing Martha off balance.

"Because you _do_ love him. And you don't want to see him hurt again," replied Martha, so quietly only her opponent was able to hear. "And I promise I'll never let that happen." She looked Rose in the eyes, her heartfelt expression saying so much more than this entire silly argument or match. Then, she lifted her arms to her right, swinging with all her might in the moment Rose was distracted, hitting her square in the chest, hard. Rose, caught off guard, lost her footing and fell backwards towards the water. She flailed, never managing to regain a hold. She hit the water with a very loud splash.

There was a moment of absolute silence as everyone processed what had happened, before Donna came and lifted Martha's arm high in the air, Harriet coming on the other side. Then the crowd really went wild.

"Our winner is Martha Jones!" she declared with a strong voice and a wide smile.

Jack, River, Mr. Spock, and Mr. Song helped the exhausted and panting Rose out of the water, as everyone else erupted in cheers.

"Martha Jones," declared Canton as he and Rory helped her down from the ladder, "I believe you can claim your prize."

She looked up, and her fatigue faded away as she saw his smiling face. Suddenly, forgetting how very hard her victory was won, she ran happily into his arms, Mickey spinning her around as he hugged her tightly to him. Those not tending to Rose came and congratulated the couple, patting them on the back and bestowing on them their best wishes.

"That's a very nice thing you did there," acknowledged River sympathetically, handing Rose a towel while both Doctors and Jack looked over some of her more prominent bruises. Pretty Boy had gone to get some ice and aspirin for both of the contestants, smiling softly at each of them as he made his way out of the makeshift arena.

Doc and Jack looked up at River, wondering at her perceptive insight, before tending to Rose once more.

"Yeah, well after everything I've done to him, it was time for him to know he's worth fighting for," replied Rose with a relaxed grin on her face, "Even if only the woman who really deserves him was always going to win this thing."

Jack kissed Rose on the forehead, beaming proudly at her.

The Doctors both exchanged a look, wrapping Rose's hurt ankle, then smiling up at her in pride before they all looked at the happy couple, surrounded by well- wishers and arms wrapped securely around each other. Then Donna decided they should all celebrate with a large meal, and everyone began to make their way out, slowly.

After a well- deserved kiss, Martha hugged Mickey one more time, facing her opponent behind him.

"Thank you," she mouthed to Rose when their eyes met.

"You promised," she reminded silently back.

Martha looked sincerely into her eyes, then gave her a nearly imperceptible nod, before Mickey turned her around, a smile on his face as he supported her, arm in arm as they made their way out. Together.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to give Rose a moment of non-shallow redemption for how she treated Mickey, and Mickey and Martha just an inkling of backstory. Please review and let me know if I went too out of character


End file.
